文／G.P.A
微信号ID：careergpa
今天故事的主人公，他并没有向大家一样从一个“差的学校”转到一个“好的学校”，而是被迫从一个全球公认的顶级院校MIT转到了一所文理学院，虽然多少有些无奈，到找到了奋斗的方向，这一切都是值得的，正如他自己所讲：“人需要找寻自己的方向，而不是让别人设立的标准控制你。”希望今天的故事能对你有所启迪。
我在MIT的第一个学期表现很优秀。那时的我动力十足，所有科目都拿了A。在微分方程课上我甚至还拿了A+。
第二学期，我依然表现不错。不过有机化学这门课让我吃尽了苦头，最后只拿到了B。那是我人生中的第一个B。尽管当时很失落，我很快就走出了伤痛并始终保持积极主动。最终，我选择了数学作为我的专业。
我不确定当时为何会去选有机化学这门课，因为我实际上感兴趣的是数学。父母一直以来都希望我读个医学预科，然后像他们一样成为医生。我想，大概那时的我是想满足他们的心愿吧。
但与此同时，我却在想方设法地远离他们预期中的我。我的心态太矛盾了，完全不知道这辈子应该做些什么。我的数学一直很棒，这是我选它作为专业的原因。但那时的我完全没有意识到，我的自我认同感竟然只来源于“我数学好”这个事实。
第三个学期，我选修了线性代数。在此之前，我从来没有接触过基于证明的高等数学课程，最后也理所当然地拿了个D。而我其他课程的成绩也一塌糊涂。
我开始不断地翘课，不断地睡懒觉。当其他朋友们都拿了不错的成绩，找到了很好的暑期实习机会时，我却在爸妈的安排下回家跟他们一起呆了一个暑假。到了第四个学期，我拿了两个F。教务处因此给了我一个警告。
第五学期，我意识到自己的高等数学功底十分糟糕，因此我决定转专业到计算机系。我已经彻底失去了自信心。学期初我还会偶尔去上上课；期中之后，我就完全不在课堂上露面了。课上布置的作业和任务也不再去管它。
唯一的安慰就是我还在坚持着参加的舞蹈队。我出勤很积极，尽管那一天可能除了训练舞蹈就是宅在寝室睡觉，或者吃晚饭的时候在朋友面前装作一切都很正常。
然而，瞒得了一时，瞒不了一世。我挂了所有的科目，不得不从MIT退学了。
最糟糕的是，这完全是咎由自取。
我只不过是延迟了恶果的到来，这毫无意义。我欺骗了所有人——我自己，朋友，包括我的父母。他们完全不知道我过得这么狼狈，还一直以为我仍然是那个总是拿全A的我。
记得有一次，表妹跑来找我，问：“拿不到全A的话，你该怎么办？”她才刚刚上大学，所以我不假思索地吹了牛。“我不知道呀，因为这件事从来没有发生在我身上过呢。”
为什么我不把真相告诉所有人呢？不知道。我对此羞于启齿。我不想让朋友们觉得我很笨。我不想让父母失望，因为我爱他们。我也害怕他们，憎恨他们。
既然已经被勒令退学了，我不得不告诉爸妈。
但整个寒假我都没有开口，只是告诉他们我不想去学校了。察觉到事情不对的爸爸破天荒地想看我的成绩单。我颤抖着把成绩单发到了他的邮箱，然后躲到了床下，幻想着最糟糕的后果。
我错了。爸爸没有打我，没有骂我。他只是抱住了我，哭了起来。
第二天他请了假，带着我和妈妈到一个邻近的文理学院的招生办，向他们乞求帮助。真的是“乞求”，他们已经全然放下自己的尊严。而我，只是一直麻木地站着。
但几经波折，我最终还是被录取了，条件是我第一个学期必须要表现得很出色。
每天，我都要上非常基础的课程，有些甚至在高中时就已经学过。然而，我还是很焦虑。我对自己已经彻底没有了信心。在第一门生物考试之前，我告诉妈妈也许我要挂科了。幸运的是，竟然没挂，而且还考得不错。
但是其他方面我仍然很差劲。比如写作课，我始终无法按时完成作业，于是我就再也不去上这门课了。教授后来还因此约我谈话，给了我“未达标”作为成绩。招生办对此成绩很是不满，给我下了最后通牒：只给我5个学时，而且如果我下个学期还是这样的状态，那就卷铺盖走人吧。
我恨自己，也恨他们。然而低学时的限制实际上却对我有着很大的帮助：从此有了充分的空闲时间。我从这学期开始加入了一个生物实验室。而且，我爱上了它。每周35个小时孜孜不倦的科研工作让我意识到，这才是我真正的人生追求！我想成为科学家！
终于，我有了一个内在的驱动力，一个人生目标，一个让自己甘心付出最大努力去实现的梦想。
日复一日，我在科研与上课之间两点一线地生活着。这种生活很苦，更何况我和父母之间还有一大堆感情纠葛要处理。然而对目标矢志不渝的追求使我最终完成了自己的愿望。去年五月，我以最高荣誉毕业，也很幸运地有机会开始攻读神经生物学的博士学位。
尽管故事的结局是我用了五年才从大学毕业，我可以自豪地说从MIT退学是我遇到过的最棒的事情之一。
我意识到现在的我可以把对数学的热爱，全部放到对生物学上；我意识到一个人的一生不是由他考了多高分决定的；我意识到我的父母有多么爱我，如果没有他们的支持，我不可能走到今天这一步。
以下是我从退学的经历中学到的事情：
人需要找寻自己的方向，而不是让别人设立的标准控制你
你为自己代言，并且勾勒出你未来的规划。假如其他人控制了你行为，他们就同时定义了你的成功，你所谓的自我价值，是他们喂给你的。
一开始，在MIT的我就一直生活在“成绩全A”的模式里，我的人生价值自己鲜少思考，说白了那时候的我只是“全A模式”里的衍生品罢了。
你必须牢牢抓住自己的权利。脱口秀女王Operah是一个绝佳的例子，她花了很长时间搞清自己究竟要成为什么人，而不是让别人左右她的人生。
不要为改变而感到羞愧
“改变”要经历五个阶段：前观察阶段、观察阶段、准备阶段、行动阶段以及保持阶段。
经历改变可能会使人害怕，但是因为羞怯而拒绝改变则会阻碍每个人的成长。就好比曾经在MIT的我所拒绝的那样——我不想让所有人觉得我不再完美、不再聪明。
可是要知道，你等的时间越长，改变会变得越难。
不要总想着取悦别人
我们经常是通过别人对我们的评价来评价自己，这与坚定的内心恰好相反。
关于取悦别人，有以下五条值得铭记：
这是在浪费时间。
取悦他人者很容易被别人操纵。
对别人来讲，感到生气或失望都是很平常的事情。
你不可能取悦每个人。
打消取消别人的念头，会使你更加强大和自信。
不要对往昔念念不忘
过去的就是去过了。我们无法改变已经发生的事情，“沉溺于往昔会摧毁自己，使你不能享受当下，并且阻碍你筹划未来。”念旧不能解决任何问题，还带来沮丧感。
不过，审视过去也有好处。从已经发生的事情中吸取经验教训，思忖事实，而不要沉溺于情绪，用一个新的角度去看待问题对当下很有帮助。
如果你读到了这里，谢谢你。
我明白我有多么幸运，因为这个故事本应该有一个悲伤的结局。这之前，我从未把我的故事写得这么详细。神奇的是，把它们写下来竟然会让我感到好受很多。
自从离开MIT之后，我就再也没有和那里的朋友联系过了。
但我相信他们读完这篇文章之后会理解我的。我要诚恳地向你们说一声：对不起。
附英文：
Shataakshi Dube
failed out of MIT, somehow survived
This happened to me.
My first semester at MIT was awesome – I was very motivated and got all A’s, despite everything being pass/no record. I even got an A+ in differential equations. My second semester went pretty well, too, but I struggled very much in organic chemistry and ended up with a B. This was my first B ever, and though I was disappointed, I shook it off and tried to stay positive. I declared math as my major.
I’m not even sure why I took organic chemistry, since I was interested in math. My parents were pressuring me to be a premed and become a doctor (like them) so I guess I was trying to appease them. But at the same time, I was desperately running away from them and their emotional abuse. I was very conflicted and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had always excelled in math and so I chose to pursue that. I didn’t know it at the time, but my very sense of self-worth was based on the fact that I was good at math.
My third semester, I took 18.700 (Linear Algebra). I had never done higher-level math based on proofs before, and I ended up with a D. I didn’t do that well in my other classes, either. I started skipping classes more and more, sleeping more and more. It seemed like all my friends were doing so well, getting all these internships and opportunities over the summers, while my parents made me fly home and stay with them every summer. The next semester I got 2 F’s and was put on academic warning by CAP.
My fifth semester, I realized that I was awful at higher-level math and so I switched my major to computer science. I had lost all confidence in myself. I attended a few classes at the beginning of the semester, but after the first midterms, I completely stopped. I stopped doing psets. My only relief was the dance team I was on. I would sleep all day, muster up the courage to get out of bed and go to dance practice, pretend everything was okay at dinner with my friends, and then go back to sleep. As expected, I failed all of my classes and had to withdraw from MIT.
The worst part is, I did all of this to myself, and extended it unecessarily long. I lied to everyone – myself, my friends, even my parents. They had no idea I was struggling. They thought I was getting all A’s, like I always did. I remember one time, my younger cousin came over and asked me how I dealt with not getting A’s (she had just entered college), and I straight up lied. I told her I didn’t know, because that had never happened to me. Why didn’t I tell anyone? I don’t know. I was ashamed. I didn’t want my friends to think I was stupid. I didn’t want to let my parents down, because I loved them. I also feared them. Hated them.
Sinced I was forced to withdraw, I had no choice but to tell my parents. Over winter break, I told them I didn’t want to go back. My dad asked to see my grades, for the first time ever. I shakingly emailed him my transcript, then went to my room and hid behind my bed, prepared for the worst. Instead of yelling or hitting me, though, he just held me and cried. The next day, he took off from work and took me and my mom to a nearby, small liberal arts college (my older brother went there). We went to the admissions office and they literally *begged* them to help me. I felt completely numb.
Somehow, I was conditionally accepted, and I just had to do well my first semester. I took very basic classes on things I had mastered in high school. But I was burnt out, and I had lost all confidence in myself. Before my first biology test, I remember telling my mom I didn’t think I could pass. I did pass, with flying colors. But I also fucked up. In my writing class, I could not complete a project on time, and I stopped showing up to class again. I finally talked to the professor, and he gave me an incomplete. The admissions office was not happy, and they told me this was my final chance. If I didn’t shape up the next semester, they were kicking me out. They only let me take 5 credit hours.
I was angry at myself, and at them, but the low credit limit was actually a blessing in disguise. Since I had so much free time, I decided to join a biology lab with my professor from the first semester. And I LOVED it. I started doing research ~35 hours a week, and I realized – this is what I want to do! I want to be a scientist! I finally had a goal, and internal motivation, and I decided I would do my absolute best to make it come true. I kept working, day by day, on both school and research. It was hard, and it was humbling. My parents and I had a lot of emotions and anger to deal with. Through sheer determination, I made it. This past May, I graduated with highest honors, and now I am fortunate enough to have started my PhD in neurobiology.
Though it ended up taking me 5 years to graduate from college, I can say now that failing out of MIT was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I realized that a person is NOT their grades. I realized how much my parents love me (and I never could have recovered without their support), and I think we finally understand each other. I finally discovered my passion in life, and now I get to put together my intense curiosity for biology with my love for math!
If you read this far, thank you. I know I am incredibly fortunate, and that this story could have ended tragically. I never wrote my story out in this detail before, and it was surprisingly healing. I never kept in touch with any of my friends after I left MIT, but maybe they will see this and understand. I’m sorry.
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